Sex, the beautiful glue to marriage, God’s blessed instruction to mankind, and the gateway to deep intimacy! Sex is a beautiful thing, but it can also be something ignored and left to, “just happen.”
I don’t know about you guys, but when we got married we had almost no idea what we were doing… I mean really, (we were both virgins).
On our honeymoon, we found ourselves feeling a whole gamut of emotions pertaining to sex. We felt passionate, intimate, turned on, awkward, frustrated, curious, insecure, unashamed, vulnerable, and in love. It was beautiful. We realized rather quickly that this wasn’t something we were going to master immediately… However, in order to improve, we would need to ask the hard questions, give honest answers, and be patient.
Sex, like most things, has its seasons. Good seasons and… not so good seasons. As we have talked with couples about their sex life (I know, sounds awkward) one potential pitfall that we became aware of was complacency. Maybe this is because sex is hard to talk about, and so we just “let it be.”
The act of sex itself is a place of vulnerability. Even talking about it can make us feel vulnerable. And yet, this is what makes it such a beautifully powerful thing! In those vulnerable moments, we become more fully known, and our intimacy deepens.
Vulnerability is a place of intimacy, and intimacy grows closeness.
We must be willing to “go there.” To be open and honest with our spouse about your sex-life.
In an effort to help those who have experienced similar feelings in regards to newlywed sex life, we have compiled 11 questions to help de-rut a position of sexual complacency, so you can start experiencing intimacy to it’s fullest. We encourage you to take the 30 minutes to go through these questions with your spouse!
These questions are designed to help you understand your spouse’s desires, open up about your own desires, discuss your current sex life, and ultimately, deepen your sexual intimacy. We all want a great sex life, right?! But to love someone better, you must strive to know them better. The same is true with sex. To bring greater pleasure to your spouse, you must know them better! Open communication is often the key to lasting inloveness, and to more fully knowing our spouse. We need to communicate about our sex life. As you take turns asking/answering these questions with your spouse, be open, honest, respectful, and understanding.
And yes, this might be hard to do.
“We change, when the pain of staying the same, is greater than the pain of changing.” – Tony Robbins
Don’t let the first 10 years of your marriage go by before you gather the courage to have this discussion.
Finally, if you are willing to ask, be willing to listen.
Ask your spouse these intimate questions, be prepared to earnestly listen AND honestly share. You may very well receive an unexpected answer. You may receive an answer that surprises you, or hard to swallow. Even so, it’s important not to judge your partner or show signs of disapproval. Let this be a time to share freely and learn!
If you are strong enough to ask hard vulnerable questions, be strong enough to respond, instead of reacting.
Have this conversation with a yielded heart, without judgment, with a desire to communicate, and a hope to improve! There is no dumb question! So don’t be embarrassed to ask, and answer truthfully! Also, be specific (that means you men).
11 Questions to Improve Your Sex Life:
1. What are your beliefs about sex?
2. How often do you want to have sex?
3. Are you happy with our sex life right now?
4. What turns you on?
5. What can I do physically, to show you how much I love you?
6. Is our relationship physical enough for you? What would make it better in your eyes?
7. How and where do you like to be touched?
8. How can we romance each other during the day in anticipation of sex?
9. What ways do you show me that you are initiating sex? Give me details.
10. Is connecting emotionally before we have sex important to you? If so, how would you like to connect? (foreplay?)
11. How would you like to be held before, during, and after sex?
Sex is a tool. Tools are designed for specific purposes, to complete specific tasks. Let’s use the tool of sex to build something great, a thriving marriage. Sex is supposed to (that implies if it’s not, then something might be wrong or need healing) be enjoyable, comfortable, pleasurable, relaxing, exciting, spontaneous, and fun (obviously not all these things all the time – aka if you are pregnant, post-partum, sick, mourning a loss, or just in a rut).
Communicate your needs.
Communicate your desires.
Communicate your thoughts.
And earnestly listen to theirs, because this is a vulnerable space, but it should also be a safe space.
The Bible talks about us being lovers with a servant heart. Ask yourself, how you can best serve your spouse. This mindset will lead to a healthy sex life, and thus, a thriving marriage.
If you already have an incredible sex-life, these questions are for you too! Maybe some of them could make your sex life even better! That’s what we are all about here at Beating50Percent; giving MORE to our spouses, and having BETTER than average marriages.
– Jeremy Roloff