• Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Beating 50 Percent

  • Start Here
  • Blog
    • Him
    • Her
  • Shop
  • Vows

Why Integrity Matters In Your Marriage

July 7, 2016

Integrity

Hey friends, so this article is not one of those, “5 steps to build a better marriage,” or, “10 creative ways to love your spouse better” posts…

Instead, I would describe this post as an unearthing of what it means to hold to a specific set of morals as an individual, within your marriage. This is something I am currently learning, and I wanted to share my humble thoughts and my perspective on how it pertains to marriage. As we have said from the beginning, join us on the journey as we learn and grow.

–

Today, I want to encourage you guys to uphold a standard of morals, and become men (and women) of integrity.

Integrity is the result of being honest about a set of morals you are upholding.

For example, you are a trustworthy person if you do what you say you will do – no matter what. Integrity works the same way. You are a person of integrity, if you uphold a certain set of morals – no matter what.

Contrary to integrity, being trustworthy is a measurable character trait. Your level of trustworthiness can be measured by another person, but integrity can only be measured by yourself. Integrity is easier to disguise, it is easier to fake.

If you say you will do something, but when it comes time to do it, you change your mind or bend the truth to get out of doing it….then alternatively, you are not truly trustworthy.

Similarly, if you face a situation where you have the choice to uphold your morals, but you justify compromising them… then likewise you have damaged your integrity.

Integrity is often not what people see, but it’s who we really are.

In order to build integrity, we need to abide by a standard of morals. I would argue that everybody has a set of morals, whether they know it or not.

In my marriage, I have come realize that I need to abide by a set of morals beyond my own cravings, desires, and impulses, in order for my marriage to thrive.

In this article, I want to talk about three things: Morality, Integrity, and Community. Put together, these three things should be critical in order for husbands and wives to remain focused on serving one another, not themselves.

Morality

As a Christian, I believe that we derive our standards to live by (our morals) from God. They are not simply human created conditions, but rather conditions created for the human, built and woven into the fabric of our DNA. They are a type of fuel for the human machine to run on, and when we choose a fuel that we were not designed to run on, we eventually break down. God built the human machine, and He designed us to operate in a certain way, on a specific fuel. His moral standard is that fuel. Just like a mechanic builds a motor to run on petrol, not diesel. If you were to put diesel in a petrol motor, it would break down. (This concept is beautifully explained in Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis.)

However, unlike a motor, we have the ability to make our own decisions. We get to choose which fuel we consume.

As husbands and wives, we have the freedom to choose our own morals, but Christ encourages us to choose His. Christian marriages must recognize that if we choose our own set of morals that don’t align with Christ’s, those morals may end up being destructive. I say may because sometimes you can go a long time before the destruction is realized or made apparent. To prevent this immediate or delayed destruction, we must always be willing to filter what we believe and how we live it out, through what the scriptures say. If morality is established on the basis of what we believe to be true,  Christian marriages should be seeking a deeper understanding of the truth from the scriptures, not based on their circumstances, the news, and culture.

Unfortunately, many people today, Christians and myself included, are choosing our own standards at times. And most of the time, these standards are decent – or even good morals – but the reality is, we are trading good things, for the best thing…  The best thing is operating in perfect harmony with our creator. We are the motor choosing which fuel to run on, machines choosing to disobey the operating instructions or not.

In marriage, this can be detrimental because it can take many years before bad integrity catches up with you…  Hopefully, you haven’t experienced the damaging effects of long-term bad integrity in your own marriage, but it’s likely that you’ve watched this play out in someone else’s marriage.

As Christians, the Bible clearly outlines our moral code to live by (I want to be clear here, the Bible is way more than just a good moral code for how to live our lives… that is simply one of its purposes). The Bible is unchangeable and undeniable because it was given and influenced by the Creator himself, not the created.

Integrity

Integrity is built or destroyed in the heart. Our heart feels something, then our mind thinks something, often resulting in our bodies doing something. And it all starts in the heart.

“But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them.” – Matthew 15:18

Our minds and bodies react to what we love. Do we love the Lord? Do we love our spouse?

You might be thinking, “Yes! Of course I do!”

Well, integrity is the proof. What we do in private, reflects the condition of our heart. Do we talk bad, gossip, or vent about our spouses when having bro time with the dudes, do we glance at porn when home alone for the weekend, do we only read our Bibles at church, etc…

Integrity is the fleshing out of what we truly love.

integrityFor example, let’s say you feel strongly about littering. Integrity means picking up that piece of trash in the alleyway when you are 100 percent sure that nobody is watching, but you care enough to obey your acclaimed morals about littering, to follow them anyway. Your integrity determines if you truly care about littering.

Far too often, we hear story after story about Christians being “found out.” Their actions said one thing, while their integrity revealed another….

We saw this happen with the Ashley Madison data breach. Outwardly acclaimed Christians were found without integrity.

The Ashley Maddison case shined a light on the integrity of thousands of individuals… Yes, that is an extreme example, so let’s get less extreme and look inward because God is concerned with the heart. He does not define one sin as worse than another. We must not kid ourselves, being found out on Ashley Maddison, and sneaking a peak on the beach, is the same thing in the eyes of the Father. We often make choices that go against what should be our moral standard, and when we do this, we chose to run on fuel that we weren’t d designed to run on. And thus, we chose ourselves, not our creator. There will always be strife and conflict when we choose to disobey our operating instructions. The same is true with any machine mankind has built.

As husbands, if we entertain sexual thoughts about the body of another women, we are destroying our integrity, and maybe nobody will ever know… but God knows. At the end of my life, I would hate to find out that God had immensely more planned for my life, but my integrity proved that I couldn’t handle it (this relates to business, family, and all aspects of life).

“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28)

If we don’t feel the presence of the Holy Spirit, or hear the whispers of the Father, then our integrity might be damaged.

Let’s not go our entire lives secretly obliging to ourselves (because that is what we truly love, ourselves), and miss out on the freedom and grand adventure we could have experienced if we chose integrity.

Being a husband of integrity means telling your wife everything. It means being fully open, true, and fair to her, so that she sees the type of person you are becoming, not just the type of person you want to be. There is a difference.

Community

So how do we successfully build integrity? One very good way is with community.

A healthy community for adults, I would imagine, is like parenting for children. I’ve only known one side of the spectrum (being the child), but I have watched many of my friend’s discipline and correct their children when they step out of line. This isn’t to exercise power over their kids, to be right, or to control their children, but rather to love them well. A good community does the same thing for adults. Someday, I hope to raise a son that grows up to be the best version of himself.  A good community wants the same thing for its members – all of them to become better versions of themselves.

I recently had the pastor of our house church confront me. He walked up to me after church and said, “Whats wrong, I sense something is not right with your heart.”

This bold action done by someone in my community who cares for my well being forced me to confront an area in my life and marriage where I was failing. An area that might have gone on for years unnoticed (if it were left up to me). An area of my integrity did not match my proclaimed words, and as a result,  my spirit was in a civil war. He saw it, and he cared enough to confront me in loving correction. On our own, it’s easy to get lazy, cut corners, or not fully realize the reality of Truth. But having a community will keep you on track if you ever start choosing the wrong fuel to operate on.

Community, is also one of those things that only works well if you let it. There are 3 things that community requires in order to function at its potential:

  1. Common belief on what is truth – What we believe about life and death affects how we live in the here and now
  2. Vulnerability – Allowing access into your life and marriage
  3. Commitment – Being dedicated and devoted to the community; being a giver, not just a taker

A thriving community gives its members permission to speak into each others’ lives. When we don’t have a community, we often resemble a lost ship at sea, rather than a locomotive headed straight for the destination.

I do not know where our marriage would be at right now if it were not for the communities we have surrounded ourselves with so far. The mission of Beating50Percent was brought into existence largely due to support, wisdom, encouragement, and correction from our communities.

Audrey and I want to encourage you to intentionally seek out a community. Create one with good friends, your neighbors, or find one through your church. Community sharpens integrity like stone sharpens a knife. And integrity reveals the truth about who we really are. Who do you want to be? Would you community call you a man or woman of integrity?

Conclusion

Integrity is a result of successfully followed morals.  Integrity requires an unrelenting determination to stand for truth and stick to your standards, even when it’s hard, hated, or a hassle.

When your wife is away, or you are with the guys, or Jesus doesn’t seem popular, remember that integrity proves your motives. Ask yourself, is your motive to serve yourself, or to serve your spouse – and ultimately the Lord.

Community helps keep us on track. Who is your community? Are they holding you accountable to operating on the right fuel?

The truth will always seep to the surface. Let’s be a people that love our spouses and Lord, more than we love ourselves. Let’s be known as men and women of integrity.

Under the Mercy, 

– Jeremy

Closing_Sentence_2

Related

21 Comments · Him, Sin

Comments

  1. Leslie says

    July 7, 2016 at 4:56 pm

    WOW, this is great article! Reading your blog gives me so much inspiration and drive to be the best me that God designed me to be. With so many things being accepted in society that people say are “normal” in relationships these days, it is very uplifting to see couples take a stand to talk about what a marriage should be through God. It is disheartening to know that so many husbands/wives think that gawking at the opposite sex or looking at pornography isn’t wrong because they would never “physically cheat” on their spouses. I hope beating50percent continues to spread throughout the country and world to inpsire and heal the broken marriages and peoples ideas of marriage in todays time! Thank you Jeremy and Audrey for all that you do and I wish you nothing but love and joy forever.

    Reply
    • Jeremy says

      July 7, 2016 at 5:38 pm

      Thank you Leslie!! That is our hope as well! Praise the Lord.

      Reply
  2. Kimberly says

    July 7, 2016 at 6:08 pm

    This was extrmely poignant and conviciting. Thank you for being obedient to God to write with such boldness and address these issues! Good reminders, not just for husbands and wives, but anyone can benefit from this. I will strive to be a woman of integrity and will ask God to point out areas of my life that are lacking. It will be hard to see what He shows me, but I hope to trust that He will hold me while He chips away at my impurities. God bless you both!

    Reply
  3. Amy B. says

    July 7, 2016 at 6:56 pm

    Wow! This is is good!
    Thanks:)

    Reply
    • Jeremy says

      July 7, 2016 at 8:15 pm

      Thank You!

      Reply
  4. Christina Hale says

    July 7, 2016 at 7:38 pm

    Such a great read! Me and my husband have been together for 14 years and at the beginning we lost ourselves, our integrity. We lost who we were and didn’t focus on US the way we should have. But once we opened up about what we each needed, we came together as one. As a result we are more in love today than ever before. We feel like teenagers and our first love. But you are correct do not lose yourself and what you stand for. We teach that everyday to our son. He is a Boy Scout and we want him to learn the value of integrity and having morals of his own.

    With love
    Christina Hale.

    Reply
  5. KC O'Brien says

    July 7, 2016 at 8:06 pm

    Good good stuff guys! I’m reading up over here and very inspired;) Keep up the great work- lots of love to both of you!!!

    Reply
    • Jeremy Roloff says

      December 19, 2016 at 1:59 pm

      Thank you!

      Reply
  6. Casey says

    July 7, 2016 at 8:47 pm

    It’s so refreshing to read words like these! We live in a world that accepts way too many things as “perfectly fine.” My husband and I have a toddler son and a daughter on the way. I pray every day for God to give us wisdom and understanding to teach our children to put God first and be guided by His love and word. My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have always made sure to keep God in our lives, but recently since we BOTH made a conscience decision to put God first (acting in a way that pleases Him above all else), even before each other and our child, we have been able to love each other as husband and wife in a way I could never have imagined! God wants to shower His children with blessings, but we must strive to act with integrity always! Thank you for your inspiring words! Looking forward to reading more from you two!

    Reply
  7. Tammy G says

    July 7, 2016 at 10:34 pm

    Great article! I am 49 yrs young, my husband and i have been married for 17 yrs. It Has been a rocky marriage. We both made very bad decisions that we regret. As adults we lost our way, we lost our religion, I lost me. I was raised a Catholic, went to a Catholic school. As a student I didn’t understand why we were doing certain things in the church. When I would ask questions I was told by the nuns to be quiet and to stop being a dumb bunny. So I grew to dislike religion and didn’t understand it. I couldn’t ask my parents cause they did not attend church or talk about religion. My husbands religious upbringing was the same as mine, but Lutheran. I really wish we could find our way. I think this has affected our everyday lives and decisions. I feel like we have a void in our lives. I have avoided trying to find my way, I associate Catholics and religion with mean nuns and priest. I wish I could get over that feeling, I just don’t know what steps to take. I have such a fear of religion from my past experiences. I would appreciate any ideas on how we can start to get back on the right track. Baby steps!

    P.S.
    Thank you so much, for creating this wonderful site.

    Reply
  8. Rachel says

    July 8, 2016 at 6:30 am

    This article was so beautifully written, thank you and Auj for creating this space as a tool for the Lord 🙂 Your topic of integrity gave me an idea. I was wondering if you all would write a post or two on how to have some of the possibly difficult initial conversations in a new relationship and how to navigate the reality that, although there are strong feelings for each other, there essentially really won’t be any physical expression of that until marriage. I personally would like to not even play the ‘where’s the boundary line game’ at all and would like to make that very clear very soon but it seems a difficult and awkward conversation to have. Also, carrying those convictions out I know will be challenging as well. I am currently doing a bible study with other women (exploring relationship topics from ‘The Meaning of Marriage’, ‘Loveology’, etc.) and I think the actual details of how to be pretty much just friends but yet not while courting is hard to navigate and leaves a lot of questions.

    Reply
  9. Leigh says

    July 8, 2016 at 6:42 am

    I love the sentiment of your blog and site but can I make a suggestion? I’d love to read more about your daily lives as a young married couple and your reflections on that. You could maybe even ask advice from your readers every once in a while. You’ve only been married for a year and a half (I think?) so I think more people would take you seriously if you did.

    Reply
  10. Jammie Killgore says

    July 8, 2016 at 8:06 am

    I loved this message. Its so powerful. Thank you both for your words of wisdom.

    Reply
  11. Sarah says

    July 8, 2016 at 6:10 pm

    Wonderful article and culture shifting work you two are doing with beating50percent. I’m a wife and marriage counselor and have referenced your articles both personally and professionally.

    If it’s okay, I would like to recommend Brene Brown’s Anatomy of Trust. I think you would both enjoy her teachings and learning from her trust model called Braving. The “I” in Braving stands for integrity. She defines integrity as choosing courage over comfort and doing what is right instead of what is fun, fast, or easy. It has been truly life changing work in my own marriage as well as the couples I have worked with. I think you two would value it as well. She even offers a free course on it at her courageworks website. Hope you guys enjoy it as much as I do.

    Keep up the great work and know that you are making a positive impact in this world.

    Reply
  12. Carmen says

    July 12, 2016 at 9:46 pm

    This was wonderfully timed, in His infinite planning. Our pastor’s message this past Sunday was on integrity as well. Doing what you know is right, even if no one else is watching. As Alex and I plan our marriage, we strive for transparency in our relationship. We love the fact that the two of you are encouraging those who follow behind you.

    Reply
  13. Reva says

    July 17, 2016 at 9:42 am

    Thank You for sharing! Thank you for being an online community for me. #beating50percent has opened my eyes. I see now that in order for me to have a successful marriage and a loving mother, I have to start within. This blog has shown me that there is more to a marriage than love. 👌👌Thanks! – from Az, (the Navajo Reservation)

    Reply
  14. Cait says

    July 23, 2016 at 7:24 pm

    This is such an amazing read. Here lately I have felt as though my marriage is missing something. We don’t fight and we DO have more love for each other than I could ever express, but just needed that extra little bump. Feel like we have been in a rut of continual routine. Reading what you and Auj post daily on different sites is so encouraging! I love following yours (& your family’s) life as you all grow. Love you guys! ❤️

    Reply
  15. Kimberlee Derkson says

    August 3, 2016 at 12:12 pm

    Hi I am a huge fan of the show. Just wanted to stop by and show some love and say Hi. I also wanted to share some advice as well and its something that I truly believe and think needs to be shared. I think a lot of time people think that love is always the same but it isn’t. Love is Ever Changing. You have to grow as a couple together and you have to grow as individuals also and incorporate those two aspects together. Yes your a couple but that doesn’t mean you should stop growing and not take care of yourself as well physically and mentally. Your are still both individuals and that should be just as important as the relationship itself. Sending you and Audrey Love and Good Vibes and wishing you all the best in the many years to come.

    Reply
  16. Lauren Ray says

    August 4, 2016 at 8:09 am

    Jeremy! This BLEW. MY. MIND. God has been nailing this into my head for a week now and I JUST read this. Recently our pastor at our church (where my husband is also on staff) asked my husband and I to tell a white lie to hide something. We refused, and to put it shortly, we’re moving now looking for work as a result. Thank you for this blog and letting God use it to let His voice be heard.

    Reply
    • Jeremy says

      December 19, 2016 at 2:01 pm

      Wow, thanks for sharing!

      Reply
  17. Cassie from True Agape says

    March 17, 2018 at 5:48 am

    Thanks for sharing this article. This is a great resource.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Join the Community!

We're excited to have you! - Jer&Auj.

About Us

Hey friends! We are Jeremy and Audrey Roloff. We live in Bend, Oregon with our kitty, Pine. Jeremy is a photographer and videographer, while Audrey is a writer and Barre3 Instructor. We both love campfires, books, coffee, and farms. Beating 50 Percent is our marriage blog and we are so excited that you are here!

follow on instagram!

  • “Communication... it’s a funny thing because it always involves three things: 1) what you said. 2) what you thought you said. 3) what the other person heard you say.” Today we have a great quick read from @matthewljacobson about communicating. Share the article from the blog if you find it helpful! 🔗link in bio.
  • #WEEKENDIDOS
You guys! We were pumped to see that in our absence a lot of you were still participating in #weekendidos! 🙌🏼 It’s been said that a movement doesn’t follow a leader, it follows an idea. And that’s what we are building here at #beating50percent, a movement that brings covenant back into marriage. 💪🏼.
Here are 5 weeks worth of people sharing what they’re doing each week to stay I do. 
COOL DATE IDEA: Someone who posted their “weekend-I-Do’s” was going through the entire alphabet and doing a date night that corresponds with the letter of the week. For example, they were on the letter “V” so they did something they haven’t done in decades... play video games. Haha. The letter “B” may be a beach trip, or go get burrito. Etc... pretty cool idea! I had to share! 
P.S.: Instagram will only let me tag 20 of you! I’m sorry! We’ll get you next time.🍻
  • Popular
  • Recent
  • 1 Fans
  • 0 Followers
  • 3,147 Followers
  • 27,073 Subscribers
  • 3,427 Followers
  • 20,487 Subscribers
Tweets by @beatingthe50

Sign up for Audible!

About Us

  • Our Story
  • Our Mission
  • Our Values

Useful Links

  • Start Here
  • Become an Affiliate
  • Submit Your Vows
  • Be Featured
  • Guest Post
  • FAQ
  • Disclaimers + Policies
  • Contact Us
  • Email Sign Up

Site Search

Follow Along!

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
Copyright © 2018